Can I just say something? Why is it that men are so competitive in sports but have lost all competition when it comes to dating? I mean, men used to fight for women like they fight for touchdowns, baskets, and goals. Now, a lot of the time, it seems like men don't care if they lose us at all. So, is it that we're not worth fighting for? Have women become such warriors in work, love, and dating that men no longer feel the need to compete for our love? Is it evolution? Darwinism? Or just laziness? Have men become so complacent that they no longer feel the need to win us over? Or have we, as women, become so self-sufficient that we've stopped expecting the chase? Maybe it's a combination of all these things, but it begs the question: What happened to the thrill of the hunt, the passion of pursuit? Is it still out there, waiting to be rekindled, or has it been lost in the ease of modern dating?
Throughout my dating experiences in Los Angeles, I've encountered a variety of men. I decided to ask a group of different guys their thoughts on whether they prefer pursuing a woman or if they like it when a woman initiates things.
The answer might surprise you — honestly, it surprised me. I hoped most men still had their hunting skills instinctively intact, ready to take the lead. However, what I discovered was a more complex and nuanced perspective. Many of them preferred a more balanced dynamic, where both parties feel comfortable initiating and taking charge at different times, with the scale tipping more toward women making the first move. It seems the modern dating scene in LA is evolving, with traditional roles being redefined in unexpected ways.
I posed the question, "Do men like it when women initiate things, or do men like to pursue things? And why?"
I posted this on Instagram and also reached out to guys I have dated. The majority responded with "both" or "it's split." Then there was the occasional "women should initiate," but none of them responded with men fully pursuing.
What do you mean? I wondered.
One responded by saying, "...guys like when women show some sort of clear sign. I wouldn't say they have to pursue. But show a sign opening contact."
I guess that makes sense, but what kind of sign? A text? A call? Approach them from across the bar? Or just some basic eye contact?
One guy I spoke with, who is married, said he met his wife in Brazil, which he said is much more competitive. "You have to be a wolf, so as the man, you have to do the pursuing; you can't wait around for the woman."
Another guy I spoke with explained, "In Holland, it's common for girls to make the first move. And I can't tell you how refreshing it is for someone to walk up to you and just initiate convo...especially because us dudes can never really tell if y'all are vibing with us or just being nice, and don't want to make things weird..."
More of them added, "Shoot your shot. What to lose?"
One guy I've gone out with before even messaged me and said, "For you. Get aggressive."
Do men have the expectation that women need to step up and be the hunters now? But why?
One of my Beverly Hills boys said, "I think when a man knows a woman is interested, the man can let down his guard and be more confident. Also, it shows she is confident. I also like a strong woman. And it takes away the fear of rejection."
Is it our job to make a man comfortable and ease his insecurities?
Although I believe in female empowerment and the ability for women to take initiative in dating, I also recognize the importance of balance. It seems there's a shifting dynamic in expectations, where some men might feel less pressure to pursue, possibly because they perceive women as more independent and empowered. This evolving landscape can lead to confusion about traditional roles and who should take the lead in the dating scene.
In my personal opinion, I believe a man should do the pursuing, but sometimes the woman has to give him a nudge. What is "a nudge?"
The man who pursued his Brazilian wife said, "The women's nudge should be eye contact and a smile — that's it. Just the signal to go."
Call me old school; men need to chase, and a genuinely secure man will. However, the subtle signs that say, "I'm interested," should suffice. Women shouldn't have to morph into the role of the hunter, casting wide nets and strategizing over every move in the dating game. Women are the tequila, and men are the chasers; no one is downing pineapple juice before they take a shot of tequila, right? Some things, no matter how time progresses, should remain the same. Can a woman make a move? Absolutely! And believe me, I've done that, but I prefer that the man execute the pursuit of the relationship. It feels much smoother sailing, in my opinion.
One example of this was my experience with the Storm (for those of you who have read my previous issues, you know about him). Things started out with him heavily pursuing me, calling me, asking me out. But I wasn't into him as more than a friend at that point. When my feelings did change, I found myself being the one to call him, make plans, etc.; for me, it just didn't feel the same. There is a shift in energy when the woman is the one making a lot of the plans because men have that natural hunting energy in their DNA. No amount of Darwinism could change that.
So, do men want women to be more assertive in the dating arena? Sure, it seems the culture may be shifting in that direction. But let's not lose sight of the magic and thrill that comes with the chase — both being chased and being the chaser. Maybe what we need isn't a reversal of roles but a reinvigoration of them. Men and women can coexist in a dance of mutual pursuit, where signals are clear and intentions are understood.
While societal norms evolve and roles may become fluid, the essence of pursuit in romance should not be lost. It's about finding a balance where both parties feel valued and desired, not just conforming to modern expectations or letting go of old ones. Whether through a smile, a conversation, or a straightforward expression of interest, the journey of dating should be enjoyable and filled with mutual respect and attraction. Let's keep the passion alive, not because of tradition, but because it makes the game of love exciting and worth playing.
The question remains: are we, as women, worth fighting for? Are we worth the risk of losing? Sometimes we run to see how far a man will chase us. The answer should be limitless.
Xoxo,
Alexandria
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